Failure

Open question, open thought…

How many of us starve just because we are upset about something ?
Or mad at someone?

I do it this time to prove I can do something, that I am in control and not someone else.

I am supposed to be studying today.. but somehow cannot seem to find the motivation to do so.. ive read a chapter, but that was it.. tomorrow and this weekend it will be hard work I presume :s

I am kinda fucking up all my personal and social relationships in a way that I think its beyond repair. Ive got no idea what and how to go about anymore. So as from today I will withdraw myself completely, smile and wave, talk when talked to.. these kinds of stuff.

I sometimes just wants to die rather than face this messed up life that I have.. maybe I am messing it up myself, Im sure no one else is to blame.

I want to become as light as a feather.. floating away.

I want to ...

I know what is going to make me feel better…
Starving..
it will take all the heartache and pain away,
I will be in control,
I will become invisible..
a floating soul

I have the terrible urge just to cry, but somehow every time I do cry people tell me that I should stop it. Strange. Those are the people I allow to cry on my shoulder, tell me their problems.. I’m listening, not judging, nothing, just listening… but when it comes to me? I need to stop crying, they don’t have time to listen, and they don’t care about my problems as theirs are bigger than mine.

When will they listen? When I do something to end it all? Something they will call ‘stupid’ and I will call ‘freedom’ from everything that hurts so much?

I stopped the cutting part of my self harm some time ago, but that doesn’t mean that I do not sometimes wish to have something sharp, sharp enough to cut to the core of everything, spread the wound open, let all the ugly and bad and sad bleed out? I have that feeling now. Its so overwhelming.

I wish people would physically hurt me, so that I can show someone and say ‘here, I am hurt’, whereas now they hurt my feelings, play fucked up mind games, and no one ‘sees’ it..

But then again, I am probably not even worth it.

New start and bad weekend

Weight today: 86,3

6 weeks to lose +7kgs!

I really need to! I'm going skiing and my pants don't fit :s

Inside i feel like i need a new start, a new life.. new face, less fat.. :/ shitty feeling this is!

Deleting all of the stopid short posts on here, and giving this blog a remake during the evening.

Had a tough and bad weekend so far, kinda binged and purged whole weekend, chances are good that i will gain like 2kg, which will be very very sad actually, but hey, life goes on from here.

Got my first comment that i am doing well with my 'dieting', strange, no one knows im on a diet?
hehe! gives me motivation to go further...

Hopefully this week will be good to me in all the ways it possible can! Hehe!

Goal for Friday is: 85kg

- 5kg

Okey, so since 1 Jan i am already -5kg!

Awesome!

Exams are hectic, havent been blogging for a while, not even on my personal blog :/ badgirlbadgirl

New goal for end January will be: 85 max ... less will be 'more' better =p

Can't wait to see my family back in South Africa.. Gonna be so super awesome!!!

Okey, going for some 'cocktails' now.. long live cola zero!

<3

Panicked

Got on the scale this morning... lost nothing :s but didnt gain anything! :)

Just now, i stepped on the scale again, only to find out i "gained" 1 kilo in 2 hours! Jeez i panicked!!

Reason:
Water, cola light, green tea and coffee! = all innocent! hehe!

Hope to be losing some more, think i did well this week! :D

Weird

Im in the rigid mode again...

Starve, eat, vomit..

Hunger, cut and starve ... <3

Im in control!

Taking distance from everyone, isolating..

I feel good...
For now...

Dissapearing

Doing OK with the weightloss, mayB too slow, but i cant complain ...

-1,8kg already since 2 Jan 2011 ...

My goal is to dissapear! Into thin air! :)

No one really understands me and no one really care to do some effort with it.. I am on my own with this.. but its fine.

Still have a long way to go though :s
But for beauty you need to endure pain! :)

I'm falling back into my old habbits..

-Shutting myself down from everyone - they dont fucking care anyway!
-Weighing myself ever half hour - no trust

I have exams coming up in a week, i dont even feel like im caring anymore...

I just want to dissapear!

Losing a bit, gaining a lot

Lost in a total, sinds 2 January, 1 kilo!!!
Yay!!!

Sitting here in my bed, took a ritalin, waiting for it to 'kick in' so that i can start the preperations for my exams in less than 2 weeks...
I have no motivation, but keep telling myself this, that if i dont study i will fail and have to re-do it again, and that is a terrible thought!

I'm halfway back into ana mode.. i needed it.

Food for today: try and eat nothing!

New Start 1/1/2011

Dear New Blog..

After deleting some old stupid posts, i concider this as a new beginning! :)

Also starting



Start Weight today: 91kg
Goal by 21/7/11: 60kg