Its been a while

I actually gave up this blogging as a bad joke :s

Now i'm back!

Lost a lot of weight since January this year and hardly gained some back.

Still have my full blast eating distorted behaviour and not really ready to 'kick off'..

Will see what the future brings..

Most important thing of today: Try to avoid dinner!!!

Failure

Open question, open thought…

How many of us starve just because we are upset about something ?
Or mad at someone?

I do it this time to prove I can do something, that I am in control and not someone else.

I am supposed to be studying today.. but somehow cannot seem to find the motivation to do so.. ive read a chapter, but that was it.. tomorrow and this weekend it will be hard work I presume :s

I am kinda fucking up all my personal and social relationships in a way that I think its beyond repair. Ive got no idea what and how to go about anymore. So as from today I will withdraw myself completely, smile and wave, talk when talked to.. these kinds of stuff.

I sometimes just wants to die rather than face this messed up life that I have.. maybe I am messing it up myself, Im sure no one else is to blame.

I want to become as light as a feather.. floating away.

I want to ...

I know what is going to make me feel better…
Starving..
it will take all the heartache and pain away,
I will be in control,
I will become invisible..
a floating soul

I have the terrible urge just to cry, but somehow every time I do cry people tell me that I should stop it. Strange. Those are the people I allow to cry on my shoulder, tell me their problems.. I’m listening, not judging, nothing, just listening… but when it comes to me? I need to stop crying, they don’t have time to listen, and they don’t care about my problems as theirs are bigger than mine.

When will they listen? When I do something to end it all? Something they will call ‘stupid’ and I will call ‘freedom’ from everything that hurts so much?

I stopped the cutting part of my self harm some time ago, but that doesn’t mean that I do not sometimes wish to have something sharp, sharp enough to cut to the core of everything, spread the wound open, let all the ugly and bad and sad bleed out? I have that feeling now. Its so overwhelming.

I wish people would physically hurt me, so that I can show someone and say ‘here, I am hurt’, whereas now they hurt my feelings, play fucked up mind games, and no one ‘sees’ it..

But then again, I am probably not even worth it.

New start and bad weekend

Weight today: 86,3

6 weeks to lose +7kgs!

I really need to! I'm going skiing and my pants don't fit :s

Inside i feel like i need a new start, a new life.. new face, less fat.. :/ shitty feeling this is!

Deleting all of the stopid short posts on here, and giving this blog a remake during the evening.

Had a tough and bad weekend so far, kinda binged and purged whole weekend, chances are good that i will gain like 2kg, which will be very very sad actually, but hey, life goes on from here.

Got my first comment that i am doing well with my 'dieting', strange, no one knows im on a diet?
hehe! gives me motivation to go further...

Hopefully this week will be good to me in all the ways it possible can! Hehe!

Goal for Friday is: 85kg

- 5kg

Okey, so since 1 Jan i am already -5kg!

Awesome!

Exams are hectic, havent been blogging for a while, not even on my personal blog :/ badgirlbadgirl

New goal for end January will be: 85 max ... less will be 'more' better =p

Can't wait to see my family back in South Africa.. Gonna be so super awesome!!!

Okey, going for some 'cocktails' now.. long live cola zero!

<3

Panicked

Got on the scale this morning... lost nothing :s but didnt gain anything! :)

Just now, i stepped on the scale again, only to find out i "gained" 1 kilo in 2 hours! Jeez i panicked!!

Reason:
Water, cola light, green tea and coffee! = all innocent! hehe!

Hope to be losing some more, think i did well this week! :D

Weird

Im in the rigid mode again...

Starve, eat, vomit..

Hunger, cut and starve ... <3

Im in control!

Taking distance from everyone, isolating..

I feel good...
For now...